I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
