this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize