his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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