i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
