dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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