You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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