On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
