Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
