I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
