My liver just broke up with me...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
