You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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