a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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