I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
