wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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