The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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