Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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