There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
