My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
How does it feel to date your dad?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
