I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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