I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
