I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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