Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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