omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
