AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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