Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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