I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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