So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
