Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
