i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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