My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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