i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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