hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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