"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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