Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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