When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
