sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
