i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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