ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
