Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
