P.S. I can't hear my feet
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
