before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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