and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
