Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
