there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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