i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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