Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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