Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
