Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize