I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
