Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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