just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
