All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
