just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
