i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
