she kept yelling 'call me bella'
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
