I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I wear drunk well.
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