Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
