it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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