You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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