Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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