You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
