Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
