Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
