Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize