Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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